I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
