i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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