i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize