You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
