i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
