2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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