Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize