What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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