I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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