What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
