I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
