she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
