the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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