Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
