Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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