What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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