i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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