I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
How does one acquire holy water?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
