I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
