Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
