he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
God, you're like boner-b-gone
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
