The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
