I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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