As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
