Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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