They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
