Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Who died my cat blue again?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
