I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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