I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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