Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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