don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
