I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
