I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
This toilet bowl is my home.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
