how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Let's paint friendship bongs
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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