i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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