I got chris browned last night
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
