What a fucking waste of an outfit
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
