so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Randomize
