Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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