how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
