3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
