My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
