we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
