Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize