I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
