You really coming over, don't trick.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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