You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
