Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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