I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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