Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Come on in and take your pants off
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