I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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