I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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