lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
