you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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