I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Another day, another engagement, another cat
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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