I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
