I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
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